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Aspidistra on the line

29 Jun 14 | Re: Euphemism update | Link-U-Post

The sun will come out tomorrow. And one other thing you can bet your bottom dollar on, is that the phrase “bet your bottom dollar” originated as a euphemism for “bet your bottom”. Now I’ve realised, it doesn’t make sense any other way. Not that I’m saying young Annie was betting her bottom. By the time it got to her I’m sure the “bottom dollar” had fossilised nicely with no offensive intent or even connotation. But the origin would have been some louche American spiv-type who would think nothing of dropping an unqualified bottom in rough company, hastily introducing an inspired “dollar” to get him out of an unguarded tight spot in conversation with an aunt.

Now the phrase is laughably dated since “bottom” is barely even rude. Don’t we live in degenerate, jaded times. If “You bet your bottom” is fine to say, “You bet your bottom dollar” no longer has any purpose. What we need is the modern, ass-based equivalent, since a lusty “You bet your ass!” still does have the power to shock in polite company.

So, here are my suggestions. Which do you think has the best chance of catching on?

• You bet your aspidistra
• You bet your asset fund
• You bet your asthma inhaler
• You bet your Astana-based secret bank account
• You bet your assinine rump
• You bet your ass – the donkey obviously
• You bet your assessment certificate
• You bet your astonishing socks
• You bet your Ascension Day present
• (advanced level) You bet your rasta hat
• (advanced level) You bet your Rasputin costume
• (very advanced, doesn’t really work) You bet your wrasslin’ DVDs

Posted by THE BROOKLYN BRAWLER at 14:00

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