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How To Be Angry

19 Apr 15 | Re: Lifestyle guide | Link-U-Post

Followers of @jbc_here on Twitter will already have seen this series, but Tweets can’t be stopped from vanishing inexorably into the past so I’m going to put it here so that I at least can find them if I want to. Here in full, on the blog, is my timeless twenty part guide: How To Be Angry.


#1 Ask rhetorical questions and then insist that people answer them.
#2 Talk to people as if they’re inanimate objects, and vice versa.
#3 Point at everything you mention. (If it’s an abstract concept, you can point wherever you want.)
#4 Keep up a turbo-charged internal monologue that will justify everything you say and do.
#5 If told to calm down, well done! You level up to the next level of anger.
#6 Find everyone else’s names absurd.
#7 Stand for no interruptions (from other people).
#8 Choose a word or phrase you’ve rarely if ever used before and repeat it constantly.
#9 An explanation is not too much to ask for. From people, from companies, from objects, from deities, from the universe.
#10 Any laugh or smile from a listener must be interrogated fully before moving on.
#11 Launch fearlessly into analogies.
#12 Appeal to confused and hapless bystanders.
#13 Gesture from the elbow.
#14 Rarely end a sentence. Target: 4+ ‘which’ clauses chained together.
#15 If you can’t find the synonym you want, “AAARGH!” will do instead.
#16 The correct response to something absurd or ridiculous is not laughter, it’s another breaking wave of wounded fury.
#17 Dare people to accept the concessions you make.
#18 Surprise yourself by using phrases you’ve heard from fictional angry people on TV.
#19 Reveal your masterplan: even your most apparently self-interested acts were for other people’s benefit all along.
#20 Make sure you’re dressed appropriately beforehand. It’s no good having to put on or take off a jumper part way through.

Posted by AURANE WATERS at 22:02

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