19 Apr 15 | Re: Lifestyle guide | Link-U-Post
Followers of @jbc_here on Twitter will already have seen this series, but Tweets can’t be stopped from vanishing inexorably into the past so I’m going to put it here so that I at least can find them if I want to. Here in full, on the blog, is my timeless twenty part guide: How To Be Angry.
|#1||Ask rhetorical questions and then insist that people answer them.|
|#2||Talk to people as if they’re inanimate objects, and vice versa.|
|#3||Point at everything you mention. (If it’s an abstract concept, you can point wherever you want.)|
|#4||Keep up a turbo-charged internal monologue that will justify everything you say and do.|
|#5||If told to calm down, well done! You level up to the next level of anger.|
|#6||Find everyone else’s names absurd.|
|#7||Stand for no interruptions (from other people).|
|#8||Choose a word or phrase you’ve rarely if ever used before and repeat it constantly.|
|#9||An explanation is not too much to ask for. From people, from companies, from objects, from deities, from the universe.|
|#10||Any laugh or smile from a listener must be interrogated fully before moving on.|
|#11||Launch fearlessly into analogies.|
|#12||Appeal to confused and hapless bystanders.|
|#13||Gesture from the elbow.|
|#14||Rarely end a sentence. Target: 4+ ‘which’ clauses chained together.|
|#15||If you can’t find the synonym you want, “AAARGH!” will do instead.|
|#16||The correct response to something absurd or ridiculous is not laughter, it’s another breaking wave of wounded fury.|
|#17||Dare people to accept the concessions you make.|
|#18||Surprise yourself by using phrases you’ve heard from fictional angry people on TV.|
|#19||Reveal your masterplan: even your most apparently self-interested acts were for other people’s benefit all along.|
|#20||Make sure you’re dressed appropriately beforehand. It’s no good having to put on or take off a jumper part way through.|
Posted by AURANE WATERS at 22:02
13 Mar 15 | Re: Extended classification system | Link-U-Post
Good news for race officials in playgrounds around the country: I’ve now extended the classification system to cover all places up to 20.
Here we go.
First the worst
Second the best
Third’s the one with the hairy chest
Fourth’s the golden eagle
Fifth the witch in the ditch eating bread and treacle
Sixth the cow
Seventh the horse
Eighth got caught by Inspector Morse
Ninth the king
Tenth the queen
Eleventh a dog in a submarine
Twelve’s a cat in a hat
Thirteen’s a frog on a log
Fourteen’s a pig in a poke
Fifteen’s Paula Radcliffe going out for a jog
Sixteen and seventeen, twins in the bin
Eighteen’s a sky full of stars
Nineteen’s mighty Jupiter
Twenty’s a mini Mars
Posted by SER JACELYN BYWATER at 21:18
4 Feb 15 | Re: Sports entertainment storylines | Link-U-Post
Fantasy booking time! I’ve been steadily getting more and more (back) into WWE over the last year, and that’s been sent into INTENSO MODE in 2015 now that the WWE Network is available in the UK: you get all the current main events, plus a vast library of all the old ones you could wish for, over the internet for £9.99 a month. A two-month trial had to be worth a bit of Christmas money, and so it’s proved.
The big controversy at the moment is over Roman Reigns. As the winner of last month’s Royal Rumble, he (as a good guy) will get a title match against the champ Brock Lesnar (bad guy) at Wrestlemania in March or April. However, fans are not cheering for him as wildly as might be hoped, and sometimes they’re booing him. He has a problem which is interestingly unique to the blurry world of sports entertainment: in sport, people become number 1 by winning. In entertainment, people become number 1 by being scripted to do so. In wrestling, people used to become number 1 by being scripted to win, but now people know there’s a script, they don’t always buy it. Reigns isn’t necessarily being bought.
The problem isn’t insoluble, though. As someone with no involvement in WWE whatsoever, I can say from my armchair with complete certainty that my plan would work. At the next big event, Fast Lane, Reigns is already set to defend his title shot against (the wildly popular but possibly too small) Daniel Bryan. This is perfect. Here’s what should happen next:
It’s well known that Lesnar is leaving, and I’m assuming he won’t be persuaded to stay, but I don’t think that means he needs to drop the title. I know it’s a wrestling tradition to lose on your way out, but winning wouldn’t be without precedent: two of the best-loved wrestlers of recent times, Trish Stratus and Edge, both retired as champions. Edge’s retirement was admittedly forced on him, but no one begrudged Trish the chance to go out on top, and I believe Lesnar is even more of a special case than Trish was.
On the other hand, losing to the wrong person might not go down all that well. Lesnar has destroyed just about everyone in WWE, so if he’s losing, it needs to be to someone deserving. Fans don’t see Reigns as deserving. I would compare it to the Undertaker’s Wrestlemania streak, which Lesnar ended last year. Fans were dubious about even Brock Lesnar ending the streak, so maybe it would have been better if it hadn’t ended. This might be the same.
After Wrestlemania, you explain completely openly that Lesnar is leaving to go back to UFC, or do whatever it is he’s going to do, and surrendering the title. You then set up some kind of tournament or qualification process to crown a new champion worthy of following Brock. That will give WWE an extra couple of months to see if they can finally get Reigns to the level required, or bring an up-and-comer like Seth Rollins or Dean Ambrose through — either way, without the pressure of a Wrestlemania coronation. Failing that, go with Daniel Bryan, who gave up the title due to injury, and give him his vindication in what would be a hugely popular move.
Sound good? A strong losing performance at Wrestlemania won’t hurt Reigns at all, whereas winning might get a bad enough reaction to send him off the boil for a long time. Plus, by having Lesnar leave looking as strong as possible, you leave the door wide open for him to come back and demand a match against the new champ, whether that’s months, a year or more down the line.
What WWE can’t do is ignore the fact that people are dubious about Reigns: some like him, but I don’t believe he can get to a position where winning at Wrestlemania would bring the universal euphoria people crave at the year’s biggest event. What they need to do instead is be honest about the reaction he’s getting, be intelligent, and ride on top of the tide instead of swimming against it.
Posted by SIENNA BROOKS at 21:31
...mad stuntwoman ...move-busting, rotund scholastics ...fourth's the golden eagle ...a list of tired cliches that it will not resort to in any circumstances ...You bet your asthma inhaler ...offend the wizards of Liechtenstein ...absurdly jazztastic and showy ...Your name is Alan Carstairs ...You may feel a little... tingling ...valiant strugglers against the tide of charisma ...we seem to be in some kind of golden age.
Thank you so much to ticket touts everywhere ... Goonrock I find most beguiling ... pole-greasing careerists ... assent past the point of absurdity ... sly one slips from the shadows ... she mutated into something even bigger ... Top Media Geek ... laugh with delight, long and loud ... all the big beat fun stuff.
... hapless Buttons-type character ... fictional Radiohead-appreciator ... The last proper one must be Edward I ... a fortress built out of the blood of thousands of slaughtered bulls ... drummers shivering in vests ... Back to the drawing board, chart-watchers!
... messing up the next edition of the Guinness Book of Hit Singles ... a carboard signpost pointing the way down Plot Street ... eat old peanuts out of the sofa ... the Funky Giraffe baby product range ... All objections are cant ... jacket-wearing nonsense ... just enough mud sticking ... the arch-users of that particular fiddle ... slack-jawed cogitation ... a full-body frown that exerts every single muscle ... far too much of the intricate robot gubbins.
... characteristically nasal delivery ... too much democracy ... all-killer-no-filler dancefloor bangers ... a grimly eccentric minority ... West End-style camped up non-rock ... a ripping winner’s single ... a lovely lullaby.
Galahad Roger Potter ... to her surprise Aslan appears ... a pink smartphone on a Saturday night ... a thousand eloquent turns of phrase ... someone will invent a great big battery ... the land of tooth obsession ... the virtue of knaves ... an ideal snack for a train journey ... a vaguely arty, continental bloke?
... waxy-surfaced nick-nack ... tip-top, AV-elected representatives folky bits ... Garbage (if you count them) ... poor, poor Lib Dems ... that same train-window feel ... crud scraping ... world wig-out shortage ... brainless fawning over royalistic trivia ... twice as hard next time ... good material for sit-com sex.
A great new approach to dinner drinking ... scratchy breakdown bit ... beacon of oratorial skill ... Why, John Power? Why? ... little clumps of fact ... musical alchemists ... a little patch of bad skin on one hand ... feedback squealing vaguely ... the most rational human alive ... you may be exactly the same as me.
... Pshaaaaw! to all of that ... fascinating mechanical clock ... digestives in the shape of a loaf of bread ... endless popgun barrage of short-sentence trivia ... What do we all think about that, eh?
Michael Parkinson ... A train of thought that started with tea ... carrots ... the most generous funny man in double act history ... joining in the great haiku-writing tradition ... long, orange vegetable ... Jay-Z agrees ... unanimous nominee ... distinctive brand of slow service.
York and Lancaster ... spoiling the line of my trousers ... doughty journeyman ... bop about in one of his fine jackets ... almost worth watching ... Joan of Arc’s canonisation ... recommending expensive food and clothes ... What a silly magazine Q is.
But a radical sees a little further ... cute little pickaxe ... a meter not normally assigned to any word in the English language ... an ingenious way to reward superfans ... Not Echobelly ... the company directors probably kept most of the saving ... the smallest Mr Man ... a Lepidus fan who just wants to talk Lepidus.
... distinctly pedestrian raps ... Look on my works and despair! ... Stevland “Stevie” Wonder ... flim-flam and dross ... cooing, benevolent soft-soaper ... metaphor, onomatopoeia, synecdoche, hypallage ... inexplicable pop-up rapper ... cherish loveliness ... named after a moon goddess or whatever ... a birthday on the 39th ... like a heart-shaped coffee spoon ... Victoria Hesketh ... three poorly-dressed blokes ... the Roman geezer ... Maddening cereal design ... a bit of low-level recognition ... the elusive sharp end of Lawro’s wit ... exactly what Marvel Comics need.
... special occasions are going to involve speeches ... “just a fan in a suit” ... commentary box hate figure ... magisterial preface ... the notoriously rigorous UEFA coaching badge ... whoever else she is ... match the style of the master ... another milestone in gender equality ... football-haters, block-heads and innumerates ... fount of bons mots ... exposure to Nick Grimshaw ... good old David James ... slightly surprised ... reasons for messing everything up ... he’s making it up as he goes along.
Prancing about like a nincompoop in the town centre ... music on a razor’s edge ... sausage-fingered musical regressionists ... still preoccupied with 1985 ... jolly, benign busybodies ... my zero followers ... Looks pretty though.
Hardly Hard-Fi territory, I think you’ll agree ... kazoo-and-saucepan bands ... mooching buddy ... Mrs Tolkien put her foot down ... only ever really existed on Planet Bushell ... actually quite a nice sign ... cavorting more than a sportsman strictly ought ... made the mistake of copying Shed Seven instead.
... going from door to door trying all the handles ... ignominious foundering collapse ... There is a lot of religion in it ... answer to that: play better ... He also says that he is dapper ... tour de force of restrained longing ... the word ‘ghastly’ might be involved at some point.
... an idealised dancefloor where the stars have aligned ... unfussy, mathematically minded nation ... the triumph of wide-eyed teenage promise ... fail ... my most up-to-date thoughts ... A-list wigsbies ... a picturesque fragility ... doesn’t always show the expected level of respect ... no sooner buy a CD single than a penny-farthing ... pure dance gold ... instead of onions I substituted eggs ... better without the sides ... I wonder if the Bahranians are watching.
... it just stretches out and fades away ... you don’t actually write all the questions out ... pictures of gurning old women ... a twinkling miscellany of other incidentalia ... especially the boiling cauldron bit ... stripily garish woollen socks ... Santa-suited disco dancers ... in aching anticipation ... the admirable Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero ... come on, audio people ... rather takes the edge off the feminist intent ... Britain has never won it ... despotic or bonkers or charismatic ... nostalgia, only for another place ... brain-exerciser ... shovelling junk mail into landfill sites ... got the idea from the prog band ASIA ... that woman out of Madison Avenue ... this panegyric isn’t post-gig euphoria.
I believe the G usually stands for God ... Wrestling fans should have had no problem ... the ‘have mercy’ element can get missed ... a sign made of a grimy blue tarpaulin ... an air of real gravitas ... a nice new dodgy flat in Bristol ... warm and welcoming ... Oirish no-hopers ... lucky country ... as stretched-out as Peter Crouch ... question rate ... the millions of Mills’s minions ... You have to admire the guy.
... What does it mean for God to rest? ... bling bling baby ... gunged up with big hits ... 0.1% of the prize money ... draw back the cloak of invisibility ... oily megalopolis ... zenarchistic pop pragmatists ... legalise at least some drugs ... urchin and Becker fans.
... you STILL get equal boys and girls ... Score one for the Chinese government I suppose ... moan about something that is bound to happen ... Lando is the right answer ... shake their fists at the monitor ... a strange land of mountains, horsemen and tour cyclists ... goats on tightropes ... in the style of Digitiser ... plenty of water in the southern hemisphere, sure ... create your own ... an accordion player called Corn Mo ... a point for drummer ... Sweden and everywhere else ... a bit like the wooden spoon ... O-trivia Newton John ... it would one day be misused by the chief executive of the Independent Schools Council ... out of the bank.
... may not actually have a surname at all ... crew of gangster midgets ... the heirs of the mighty conqueror ... woolly turtleneck ... directional trend-setting demigods ... seven in almost 1000 years ... run-of-the-mill internet raving ... must be time for a second ... pleasantly rounded, like a genial uncle ... only writing LOL if you actually laugh out loud ... replace hat, arrange hair, check hat, take towel ... a facsimile of knowledge ... impossibly dramatic and thrilling ... cool eh? ... you know, for fun ... doesn’t actually answer or even appear to understand even one of the questions ... First post done.